Taming Mama Bear

Oct 21

Learning to tame the mama bear within is a challenge.

I am a co-dependent in recovery and wow, it can be a struggle, particularly when it comes to parenting.

When I pick up the phone and one of my cubs is far away at school and struggling I lose it.

Once I hear the crackling voice and tears on the other end I can feel the tightness in my shoulders, the clench in my stomach, and that unconscious urge to attack the ‘enemy’.

I want to fix the problem, whatever it is, right now

I’m furious at the University, or the roommate, or the professor who gave my kid a bad grade, or COVID, or the boyfriend, the specifics don’t really matter because my reaction is always the same.

I was raised in a family of co-dependents, even today vacations together can be comically dysfunctional.

For most of my life, I got a lot of messages about ‘good parents’ helping fix their kids' problems.

It wasn’t until I was 10 years into my parenting journey and my daughter was diagnosed with dyslexia that it became clear that all that ‘help’ I was trying to give her was undermining her confidence and ability to learn HER way, not mine.

Research now tells us that growth, learning, and ultimately transformation are only possible through struggle.

If my highest desire is to raise happy, confident children then I need to get out of the way and let them experience their journey on their terms.

So when I feel myself in that Mama bear mode I try to

Stop and breath
Listen
Show compassion and support
Ask them clarifying questions
Take care of myself by walking or talking to my husband or a friend afterward

I am not perfect at this and catch myself in solution mode all the time, but I have the awareness and I’m trying to build the muscle to let them learn to navigate their life with my support, but not my solutions.

The next day I’ll shoot over a text to check in and usually, the ‘emergency’ has blown over and I have spent more time worried and upset than they did.

It’s hard being a mama bear.